damn xanga. it has been A WHILE. the year is now 2008, two years past my last entry. 

jen just called and wanted her flow back. i enjoy rapping with her, i feel so freee!!! weee!

i feel like xanga is a little presumptious to double space.

i feel like i'm in those parts of my life where a big change is going to happen soon. my best analogy is that of a zit. all this junk builds and builds in a small amount of space until you can't take it anymore and.... pop! there goes the weasel. or like a little kid right before kid grows super tall, kid gets kind of stocky and fills out, then all of a sudden kid grows and balances out.

except i feel it in my soul. there are so many thoughts and voices and wants going on inside of me, and i feel like they are bubbling up and something is going to happen and i can't wait to pop. the pressure is annoying. i've always told myself that my biggest responsibility is to make life exactly how i want it. unfortunately, this sucks in times that i don't know what i want.

i feel like i was so much happier living in ocean beach. to have my own space, and wonderful neighbors and friends. and mostly, the environment. to walk or ride wherever i needed to go, to be able to hang out at the water whenever i pleased. i am truly convinced that mother earth is my goddess, and can speak to me in ways that nothing else can. and when i'm in moments that are so astoundingly beautiful they silence me, and fill me up with a warm peace that nothing else can duplicate. it's a little trickier to find moments like that in spring valley.

i feel mostly that it's hard to find room for me here. ever since my uncle moved in, he has taken over my room and i am left with a few things still in there, a few things in my mom's room, a few things in the garage, and a few in my car. the fact that i am so close to my family makes it worth it all, please don't get me wrong. i love living in my family's house, and being able to experience them in all unique ways. but hell. homegirl is ready for a change.

and here's the problem with inward reflection. once i have written all of this down, and pinpointed my feelings to "homegirl is ready for a change", then my next thought flows to "what needs to change?"

why does something need to change? obviously i am me, and all that i'll ever need is within me. and here's a thought for xanga. if i am me, and something inside of me is telling me it's time for a change, or time to grow, there is obviously another entity within me. how many do i have? and i don't worry about split-personality disorder because that is crap. i took an abnormal psychology class once and dropped out within three weeks because the whole class and concept was bullshit. what bothers me about the most about public education is that it all boils down to defining. and more frustrating, it's all some other dude's definitions. i'm not discrediting them, i'm just saying that i would like to define my own life, please.

well, time for the football game. i would just like to call it that the chargers win. with 27 points.